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PASSENGER OF LIFE

the feelings, emotions, mindset, and life of a student

Nightmare Today. 

​07-08-16: 5:36 am

I woke up to a dream, A nightmare actually. I was all sweaty , out of breath and thirsty. Water didn’t quench a bit of it. Sleep wouldn’t come so easily. Grabbed my earphones from the desk and tuned in to lullaby section. Its not the first time this has happened to me, Usually I would sleep through my nightmares peacefully and wake up as nothing had happened. when so many things are on your mind and you really don’t have someone to talk it out of you, its natural to be exhausted, driven , tired and often see a different perspective to a situation, become judgemental and you become a prisoner of your mind, suddenly your freedom is suspended. Becoming an introvert, selfish and intolerant to people and their stupidity . Things you enjoy are no longer a part of your life. Robbed of innocence, humor and emotions. Some people pretend to enjoy this. Prison of Thoughts is their new freedom. I am not an expert writer nor do I wish to write any articles on my life, to me its a curse, keeps us awake when you are required to sleep. Back to my dream; 

I was walking through a road between two stations, when I was approached by four or three of the strangers asking me questions of my way of journey, I didn’t intend to answer them but I figured that I would hurry and get out of this mess by answering his questions. I stopped for a minute and spoke to the person, and started to my road a few minutes later I was startled by noticing that the strangers were following me by a distance. I took up a turn, which by the way I shouldn’t have taken I ran into their nest, I saw their machetes and the butcher knifes and the skinned humans with their heads chopped off. CANNIBALS ! I was attacked by the stranger who stopped me on the way. I was chopped of my left arm and though it was a dream the chopped felt real, the pai n and the blood, the numbness of my body growing dizziness and I ran out of consciousness. An hour later when my senses returned with no left arm, someone chopped my fingernails of my toes and ripped my tongue while I was out. I could feel the pain, I could only imagine myself alive after a chopped arm but it felt real. its like you are facing my own death and someone really enjoyed me witness my death. They made me drink my own blood and hanged me by a sickle through my right arm. Slowly they started peeling the skin of my chest. No screaming, No Numbness, just excruciating pain of being alive when you are literally ripped to shreds. 

And to the tragic part someone then bulls-eyed me to the eye with a dart. And imagine yourself bleeding blood through eyes. Unbearable. I woke up. It was scary. 

Maybe;

Maybe you love me more
or, Maybe you love me less.
Maybe you miss me
or, Maybe you had forgotten about me.
Maybe I am your nightmare
or, Maybe I am your sweet dreams.
Maybe you cry yourself to sleep
or, Maybe you would careless.
Maybe you have got past it
or, Maybe you clinch on to it.
Maybe you cherish it
or, Maybe you regret it.
Maybe you want to come running
or, Maybe you want to runaway.
Maybe there’s thousands of thoughts
or, Maybe you think of me.
Maybe you get angry when you see my name
or, Maybe you smile and remember me.

I got no but’s with these maybe’s;
I got no more wishes;
I got no more excuses;
I got no more lies;
I got no nothing going on;
and, I ain’t running away no more.

I got to tell you the truth;
I got to hold on to you;
I got to dream with you;
I got to kiss you good night;
I got to hold you tight.

I know there’s no way.
I know you wouldn’t believe.
I know I gave you the reason not to.
I know I lost your trust.
I know I sent you away.

I really need you tonight,
like every other.
I really need you on sunshine,
like every other.
I really want to hold your hands,
like every other.
I really want to laugh and cry,
like every other.
I really want you for forever,
like every other.

#2359pm13072016Maybe

Thoughts & Nights!

There is a bunch of thoughts in my head, I think of writing about it, I always hit the blank pages everyday. I haven’t been so emotionally exhausted, driven , depressed, tensed , and a whole lot of other feelings. Honestly, I don’t really know what love is?. I have also been in relationships what didn’t workout as planned but I let them all go. I have a hard time trusting people on their words, technically it’s all I have known from this life, and that your tears don’t matter, you’d only be crying yourself to sleep but the next morning you’d wake to the best of thoughts maybe today she will talk, or share something, or just maybe your day will be fine. but you will only be hitting dead ends at the end of the day, and when you stop trying so hard to get yourself through the night, sneak in a little alcohol or smoke weed be high and try to calm your damaged mind. you may find peace within it. All it does is numb you or plunge you into your own thoughts you don’t want to think of. I am not a writer, I may write , some of them maybe good, I know they are appreciated, I don’t. when I try to write its my mind letting the things I wanna say take the form of words or whatever sentences it creates. its a curse. It will keep you awake on midnight. Make yourself more lonely and miserable than you have been. and then on other nights you won’t just sleep because you are whiny about little things happening to you all throughout this day, and then you would think of a future, trying to put yourself into a position as in your fathers, think about working hard and determined again in an era of competition only the best and clever survives. That’s when you, you’d think that living the life is scarier than death, when you die its all over, you die in a second, your pain would be over, but your share of pain would be on your family, but would it? thinking harder would cause dizziness and at-last you would sleep like never before.
I have been called nerd , geek , fool, nonsense, and what not, honestly I am just quiet, quiet as numb calls on a dead body. but in the likeness of life, love is just a word, the people who care for you are the ones that actually have a connection for you, the people that want you to succeed, want to listen to you humming, the people who prioritize you before the world, and the people that check on you before you close your eyes for the day, the people who remember you every night before the close their eyes for a tomorrow that’s gonna be harsh as ever , still hope’s to hear from you one last time, it’s what gets them dreams and they wake up each morning just for you. life’s so goddamn hard, if you have that person you are lucky, never let go of them, they are your share of life’s treasure.

 

I wish I cared a little more than what I did back that day, maybe the person would be by my side.

​Sat around the corner of the corridor

Sipping down champagne 

Watching the pouring rain 

Clear blue skies turning grey

Watched from the background 

As My life just fades away

While staying alive on life support 

The monitor beeps through every report

I closed my eyes once again

It’s the memories that keep me awake

I couldn’t help it, but

Whatever gets me through the night

Hoping to see her face by next sunlight 

I was so broken, more than a train wreck 

Losing her was so damn heart break

Wondering if I could have checked

The way things are now, 

Her thoughts keep me awake

 still hoping, that’s not easy to break

See her in his hallucinations 

It seems so sweet

But all it is, are nightmares 

That haunts him in his sleep 

His woulds are invisible

But it runs down so deep

Wondering if it all went wrong 

But everything that felt so right 

Whatever gets me through the night

I read her conversations just to make me sleep

I imagine kissing her forehead ,

She touched my soul so damn deep

It’s hard to forget her, when she gave me 

So much more than anyone to keep

These are all in my dreams

Whatever gets me through the night. 

Honestly I don’t want to give up on you just yet.

#309am070716whatevergetsyouthroughthenight

Faith in Himself

The sun, the moon, the stars
Can’t erase these soul scars
Feelings imprisoned behined bars
You have lived for long
Most won’t even make that far
Keep telling that to himself
But, who’s listening ,who is to hear?
Tiny little brat complaining about life
His hope’s broken, so is his heart
Tries to end his misery, the kitchen knife
Masks that fell before him
And the trusts that failed to win
Others left aside, failed even by his kin
No one on his side, understood his pain
Stood by everyone on their needs
What hell did he gain?
Sometimes at night, he would stare blank
Decides to start a new page,
But oh , the same diary
The same inkspot as it was the previous
He would give up anytime he wants
But his faith still holds,
To me he is a fool but faith after losing
Is that his Gold?
#0052am07062016faithinhimself

Its about her and me.

I liked her and she liked me
We both were dumb assess
Blindfolded by the thoughts
We couldn’t see through
When we said we liked each other
It was enough for both of us
And when we were together
Wished that it lasts forever
It was a day, we couldn’t forget
She loved me and i loved her
Saw our time pass by us
And we couldn’t stop it there
It was our bond, didn’t care
the next day didn’t seem fair
Apart again as separate strangers
Still couldn’t forget her pretty face
Although haven’t seen her, pictures
That were the only fairshare
Maybe we didn’t kiss on the lips
We didnt feel the warmth of other’s skin
But it was more than what meets the eye
We are separated, without a goodbye.
I couldn’t look into her innocent eyes
Hear her voice through the walls
Her imaginary everything is perfect
I don’t guess Wrong, she is worth it.
She cuts herself, i could feel the pain
For blood rolls down as tears
Cause losing each other was our big fear
If given a chance to be together
Wouldn’t hesitate to pay the price
i couldn’t change her scars from before
But the next scars on her whole body
Would be her smile, big and hearty
Her glamour, innocence and beauty
Won’t be spoiled again, its my duty.

If she’s reading this, oh well, I Love Her.
#00:36am03062016itsaboutherandme
Debjyoti

Life – Rubik’s Cube II

Hey Everyone, Good Morning.
Well where was i yesterday?- The mixture and complexities of emotions.
the different emotions hate , love , anger , happiness, sadness , scared, etc; always share a different relationships between them. This emotions complexly form a set of whole new emotions, for example; this is the wheel of emotions (credits :plutchik’s wheel of emotions )
plutchik-wheel-wiki
these emotions have a combined effect on the brain which is later led by mood and words. This is hard for me to explain, i am no psychiatrist. but according to plutchik’s research he says,”

Plutchik’s psychoevolutionary theory of basic emotions has ten postulates.

  1. The concept of emotion is applicable to all evolutionary levels and applies to all animals including humans.
  2. Emotions have an evolutionary history and have evolved various forms of expression in different species.
  3. Emotions served an adaptive role in helping organisms deal with key survival issues posed by the environment.
  4. Despite different forms of expression of emotions in different species, there are certain common elements, or prototype patterns, that can be identified.
  5. There is a small number of basic, primary, or prototype emotions.
  6. All other emotions are mixed or derivative states; that is, they occur as combinations, mixtures, or compounds of the primary emotions.
  7. Primary emotions are hypothetical constructs or idealized states whose properties and characteristics can only be inferred from various kinds of evidence.
  8. Primary emotions can be conceptualized in terms of pairs of polar opposites.
  9. All emotions vary in their degree of similarity to one another.
  10. Each emotion can exist in varying degrees of intensity or levels of arousal. “

here are some of the examples of the complexities;
(all credits to wikipedia; for more click contrast of emotions )

please read the following links to know about much, i swear this is good to read about emotions if you can’t capture or understand them.
1. plutchik’s wheel of emotion.
2. understanding brain functions and mental experience.
3. Robert plutchik .
4. video representation of plutchik’s wheel of emotions .

i hope that you enjoyed this part. please like and follow for more interesting articles that i will be posting here for you all. I know i am not an expert, but hey, does it matter ? there are researches about this. Please go through on this, please let me know below comments. 

Life -Rubik’s Cube I

umm, where to start? “- my first reaction to this topic. Its not that i have been asked to write about it , but i just wanted to speak about my thoughts on life.
As you can read here, i gave life in the notation of a rubik’s cube. Why? Why did i do that? of all the things on this earth why is life (to me) a rubik’s cube?“. 
Life deals with emotions, and as explained by psychologists;

 Emotion is a complex mental status, physical activities (like movements) along with the hormonal secretion from the body accompanied by the thoughts in process.

To explain emotion: “please concern your message to the almighty.”
We all experience this emotions every single second of our life. To be honest, I myself can’t figure my emotions out & i cant figure out what deal of emotions the person in front of me carries. To those who can actually understand emotions of life, my salute to you. You are blessed.
Now, about the Rubik’s cube; the cube with six faces and nine separate subdivisions on each face, where each face contains a solid color, solved by a (many) mathematical algorithms. (The brief about the cube).
Six faces of the cube : emphasises six different emotions of people.
Those emotions are ;

  1. Happiness 
  2. Sadness
  3. Anger
  4. Hatred
  5. Love
  6. Fear 

combining each of these six emotions, a complex reaction of these further produces more emotions. Its hard to compile the thoughts, even if you do people think of you as a psychic.

this article is of 250 words exact leaving this note that i will be back with the next part of the life – Rubik’s cube tomorrow or maybe later. why this sudden break? i lack concentration. (great disadvantage.) You must be thinking what a pathetic writer!, well i am no writer. I just type on a blank sheet with words making my own sentence. please forgive me for my incompetence.

-Debjyoti

A Bad descision.

As an engineering student, we usually celebrate after any of our internals or external exams get over. To keep moments and track of where we are now, and where we wanna be.
Yesterday @10/05/2016 me and my friend, we tried to hike things up a bit more than the usual. We decided to take rum. Sincerely this would be the first time i was drinking. We were casual and we hid in the garden ofvour college campus to enjoy ourselves altogether. On the first three sips, i felt a burning sensation and i got a tingy little feeling that this is gonna end up being bad or worst. My friend told me that the burning sensation was going to be okay and we continued. While i was in the half of the bottle, i felt the dizzyness and a bit lightheaded. I enjoyed it, i won’t lie. But since this was my first time i decided not to push myself and at the end i gave up saying i cant have more, now i am gonna puke. In the mean time my friend finished his part and i couldn’t feel that he was fully high and drunk, looking at him, he asked me arent you gonna finish that? And i raised the bottle and said , here, finish mine and then we will move to the hostel. My biggest mistake was giving him the extra part of mine. The next thing i know is i tried to wake him up,slapped him kicked him, he probably didn’t feel anything. I don’t know. I started shouting and wasting no time i called my friends, his roommate and one of my class mate to come and get us from the greenhouse shed, where we were. It all seemed so funny but it wasn’t until we ended up with the guards and our hostel caretaker incharge. Since, i wasn’t that high, i tried to make a story but nothing fits the location of where we were found. I was still continuing to wake my friend and somehow escape the deep hole we were in. Nothing worked out. I couldn’t think of anything and i was getting irritated by the slightest noise and the language of the people. At the end, i kept calm and sat down because now i have got the feeling of puking and this time i couldn’t stop and i puked infront of the caretaker. Seeing us in our conditions, we were told to leave the college campus and be drunkards everywhere, my friends were trying hard to keep us within the hostel but nothing works out. Later i called up one of my friends who stays in a flat with some other guys and asked if we could come over at his place for the night. Now , we’re really fucked up. Hired an auto and left for his place where we got to stay the night and leave the next day. Because, the next day we were going to face the disciplinary committee and it wasnt gonna be easy. Thinking of all these things around i have lost my sleep and i started writing up this para.
It was A Bad Descision.
#6:09am110516baddescision

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